As part of my growing and moving on from the old me, I am posting this…
Dear Chris Ensell,
I remember the day you came into my life. I watched as my brother died. That was the day you moved in, uninvited. I do not remember much after that day, but by what I have been told, you made many people unpleasant and you hurt me as much as possible. You sabotaged everything I put my hands on, or people that I loved. You would steal from them, you would lie to them, you would disrespect them, you did everything you could to ruin every dream and goal I set for myself. I never had control of you. You ran freely through the best moments of my life, making them the worst moments of my life.
I don’t know why you did this, and I don’t know why I let you do so for such a long time. I can’t understand why someone would make it their goal to destroy another person’s goal. No matter how hard I tried, you were always one step behind me, ready to trip me every time I made a step towards a better life. How can someone find as much joy as you had doing that.
I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have been smarter. I wish I could have had the power that you had robbed me of. There are many things I wish I could have had. Sometimes I was so close to a goal in my life, that I could literally feel it, taste it, hear it, and see it. But there you were, to snatch it away from me without delay.
I can’t blame you all for this. I knew what I did was wrong. I knew this. I would tell myself that I am a better person than this. I am strong enough to fight you on my own. I was wrong. I needed help, but I was too afraid to ask for help. I did not want to be as weak as everyone thought I was. I know I was weak. I was weak because every time I was strong, you would knock me down, and take that away from me.
However, on this day, this hour, and this minute, I declare that no longer will you control my life. You will never again tell me that I can’t do something and me listen to you. No. You have had control over me for far to long. Sure, I know that you will always be a part of me, but never again will I allow me to be a part of you. Just because you speak, does not me that I must listen. Just because you say that I can not move forward, does not mean I can not take that step. You have for to long hurt those whom I love, you nearly took my life on several occasions, but that will never happen again. I am going to live my life, and I am going to become something where I can make a difference. Something where I can prevent you from hurting another person like you did to me. I am sick of watching people flying up to their dreams, only to see your darkness surround them so that they lose their way.
I have always thought of saying goodbye is a way of saying “I will probably never see you again”, that is why I try my best to say “See you later” when I am talking to people I would like to see again. Since I know that you will always be 2 steps behind me until the day we both run out of life, I will say see you, however, those days that you find an opportunity to sneak in and try pushing me in a direction I don’t want to go, I will dig up every ounce of strength I have in my body, mind, and soul to push you aside, and keep moving forward. When you speak to me, I shall turn my head and listen only to the ones I love. You no longer will have that or any power over me.
I remember when people would reach out to me, and all you did was slap their hands away. I remember when people tried to share their heart, you would spit on them. No longer will this happen. I will openly take any hand held out to me, when someone shares their heart with me, I will share mine with them. You will no longer affect my relationships and friendships. I am sick and tired of having no friendships or relationships. I may no longer have someone in my life to hold, talk to until the sun comes up, or stare into the eyes up. But someday, I will once again, and knowing that you will not have the power to fuck that up again brings a smile to my face.
You are just a voice in my head, and never again will your words have power over me. I am in control now, not you.
I walk a hard road as two but I am aware that the other one is talking to himself and not to me. He is telling himself he is a failure…not me.
It is hard to grasp the concept it is himself he is talking to, not me. I was just overhearing him speak. If I hear him speak negatively about himself, I will flood him with positive feelings… I won’t talk back to him, he can’t hear me but he can feel my emotions.
… And now, I move on with my own life and my own positive thoughts. I am damn tired of living someone else’s life, it is time for me to live my own. I want to be able to cry again, smile a real smile, love someone instead of fearing to be myself.
In conclusion, shut the fuck up.,
Chris Ensell
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