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God I am fucking bored…

What is a conundrum? According to most dictionaries “a question or problem having only a conjectural answer”.

Its like the old “What came first, the chicken or the egg” riddle. Either answer seems to be wrong and/or confusing. That is what I am dealing with. I need a job. I need a car to get to that job. I need a job to get the car.

So what am I suppose to do? I have been working with Calypson Studios a lot lately. It paid my cell phone debt off, so I got that back… But what do I do when that work runs out? I live in a small town of about 1,000 townfolk. There are MAYBE a dozen stores. Most of which already have family members working there, or their employees have been working there for years and have no plans on leaving.

Some of these places don’t even have applications.

I hate small towns…

Starting December 5th, I will be going on a much needed vacation. I am flying out to Washington state to see family and some old friends. I am going to be out there for a few months.

After the events of the past year, I think this should be good for me.

Finished my latest project, Calypson Studios. It was a very hard project on a hard deadline. But now I can pay some of my bills.

They are a design studio, that is solely pixel art based. You have seen some of thier work on some cell phone games, hand held games, and even Cube World Bash.

So if you are looking for some affordable artwork, look no further, they are #1 in my book.

Test king offers microsoft training along with microsoft certifications such as mcse certification. Test king also a known body in delivering career training and mcp training programs. Test king also specializes in security+ certifications and cwna testing sessions. Test king is a solution provider for people who want to enhance their talents and get cisco training to gear up for a better future. Test king has it all, all that the big multi-nationals require in a successful candidate.

A day in the life of a 23 year old failure. Well, I guess failure is too strong of a word. More of a day in the life of someone who has failed. These days everyone has bad things happen to them. I am just in a rut. I got separated, no job, moved back in with my mom, and I have this damn mental illness. But I am pushing forward as best I know how… I know she is never going to take me back… I know eventually I will get a job when I can get a car, and I know that with the right medication that I can take control of my mind.

I have gotten used to having a piece of the good life, then throwing it away and starting all over. It sucks everytime, but I manage to push through. Why should this be any different. Maybe something good awaits me somewhere out there, maybe not… Who knows.

I haven’t coded or pixeled in months. I am in a creative rut… Which sucks. Art fails me, so I cannot express myself that way. I have my cards, but I can only do so much. It is a hobby I keep private, maybe more than I should.

Maybe my upcoming trip to Washington will help me find something that is missing. Maybe I will find the tools I need there, and bring them back with me and get through… Maybe I will end up staying there. I don’t know.

All I know is moving on sucks, and everytime I do, I lose a bit of myself that I can’t get back…

What is going on?!

Out of curiosity, I check Technorati tonight, and my rank is 51,364?

Then I checked my site stats, and I am getting almost 5,000 hits a day? Is this true? I had no idea that I was actually getting traffic here, I really didn’t. For some reason I let this site slip to the side of everything else… I guess I better stop doing that and get off my ass and do something with it.

Thanks for keeping around even though I didn’t.

I am off to Washington December 8th until January 8th. So any Washington state readers, drop me a line and maybe we can have a drink.

Additionally, I plan on writing on this thing again, sorry for the long absence.

As part of my growing and moving on from the old me, I am posting this…

Dear Chris Ensell,
I remember the day you came into my life. I watched as my brother died. That was the day you moved in, uninvited. I do not remember much after that day, but by what I have been told, you made many people unpleasant and you hurt me as much as possible. You sabotaged everything I put my hands on, or people that I loved. You would steal from them, you would lie to them, you would disrespect them, you did everything you could to ruin every dream and goal I set for myself. I never had control of you. You ran freely through the best moments of my life, making them the worst moments of my life.

I don’t know why you did this, and I don’t know why I let you do so for such a long time. I can’t understand why someone would make it their goal to destroy another person’s goal. No matter how hard I tried, you were always one step behind me, ready to trip me every time I made a step towards a better life. How can someone find as much joy as you had doing that.

I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have been smarter. I wish I could have had the power that you had robbed me of. There are many things I wish I could have had. Sometimes I was so close to a goal in my life, that I could literally feel it, taste it, hear it, and see it. But there you were, to snatch it away from me without delay.

I can’t blame you all for this. I knew what I did was wrong. I knew this. I would tell myself that I am a better person than this. I am strong enough to fight you on my own. I was wrong. I needed help, but I was too afraid to ask for help. I did not want to be as weak as everyone thought I was. I know I was weak. I was weak because every time I was strong, you would knock me down, and take that away from me.

However, on this day, this hour, and this minute, I declare that no longer will you control my life. You will never again tell me that I can’t do something and me listen to you. No. You have had control over me for far to long. Sure, I know that you will always be a part of me, but never again will I allow me to be a part of you. Just because you speak, does not me that I must listen. Just because you say that I can not move forward, does not mean I can not take that step. You have for to long hurt those whom I love, you nearly took my life on several occasions, but that will never happen again. I am going to live my life, and I am going to become something where I can make a difference. Something where I can prevent you from hurting another person like you did to me. I am sick of watching people flying up to their dreams, only to see your darkness surround them so that they lose their way.

I have always thought of saying goodbye is a way of saying “I will probably never see you again”, that is why I try my best to say “See you later” when I am talking to people I would like to see again. Since I know that you will always be 2 steps behind me until the day we both run out of life, I will say see you, however, those days that you find an opportunity to sneak in and try pushing me in a direction I don’t want to go, I will dig up every ounce of strength I have in my body, mind, and soul to push you aside, and keep moving forward. When you speak to me, I shall turn my head and listen only to the ones I love. You no longer will have that or any power over me.

I remember when people would reach out to me, and all you did was slap their hands away. I remember when people tried to share their heart, you would spit on them. No longer will this happen. I will openly take any hand held out to me, when someone shares their heart with me, I will share mine with them. You will no longer affect my relationships and friendships. I am sick and tired of having no friendships or relationships. I may no longer have someone in my life to hold, talk to until the sun comes up, or stare into the eyes up. But someday, I will once again, and knowing that you will not have the power to fuck that up again brings a smile to my face.

You are just a voice in my head, and never again will your words have power over me. I am in control now, not you.

I walk a hard road as two but I am aware that the other one is talking to himself and not to me. He is telling himself he is a failure…not me.

It is hard to grasp the concept it is himself he is talking to, not me. I was just overhearing him speak. If I hear him speak negatively about himself, I will flood him with positive feelings… I won’t talk back to him, he can’t hear me but he can feel my emotions.

… And now, I move on with my own life and my own positive thoughts. I am damn tired of living someone else’s life, it is time for me to live my own. I want to be able to cry again, smile a real smile, love someone instead of fearing to be myself.

In conclusion, shut the fuck up.,
Chris Ensell

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Where did I go?

Looong story… So I will make the bullet points.

1. Wife left me.
2. Nervous breakdown.
3. Admitted to psychiatric hospital.
4. Intense therapy afterwards.

There, that pretty much says it all. I am feeling much better now. I am going to be moving soon to a small dinky town called Adrian. I will try to make updates more often now that I am single and have no job.

We are a generation of fatties. I know that sounds cruel, but it is true. We were raised on McDonald’s fast food, the internet, and TiVo. Why go outside, when you can see it live on www.i-dont-ever-need-to-see-the-real-word.com or record it on your TiVO and watch it after the American Idol finale.

So when corporations KNOW they are partially responsible, and even a movie is released calling them out… You would think they would get a clue and promote exercise and going out into the great outdoors. Nope. Yesterday I get a nice little flier from McDonald’s to promote their newest endeavor, called redbox, they are now going to provide these at most locations.

Now you can rent DVDs for only $1 a day. So you can get your fatty food, a few movies, and hide from that scary sunlight. God forbid you take a walk after eating a heavy fatty meal… What makes it better, is that this just enforces a bad habit. You have to return the movies… So while you’re there, might as well buy another super sized grease meal. Oh, and since you have food, might as well rent another DVD.

Why not provide some outside activities? Rent a bike for a $1… Sell a beach ball for $1… Something other than an activity that enforces sitting your ass down.

But the chances of that happening are less than the chance of A&E not coming up with another reality show for some celebrity. Make me a show, call it “Broke as a joke” and show how 2 people can live on minimum wage and shitty freelance job paychecks.